Best Office Quotes

I love this show. It’s so completely random and the things these characters say are off the wall and zany. Some of the quotes make me laugh out loud and I usually integrate them into my day to day conversations. Here are some of my favorite quotes from the past five seasons of the Office.

Ryan:
Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott:
It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.
Ryan:
I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott:
Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?
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Dwight Schrute:
Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time in now, check-out time is never.
Jim Halpert:
Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute:
No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert:
Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute:
Sorry we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert:
Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight Schrute:
I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert:
You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute:
I'm the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert:
Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight Schrute:
But I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert:
Go.
Dwight Schrute:
Eighty thousand dollars.
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Toby:
Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know. There's gambling and alcohol... And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know. Is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott:
Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
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Michael Scott:
Man I would love to burn your candles!
Jan:
You burn it you buy it!
Michael Scott:
Oh good! I'll be your first customer!
Jan:
You're hardly my first.
Michael Scott:
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!
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Michael Scott:
[after sipping wine] That is sort of an oaky afterbirth.
Jim Halpert:
What was that?
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Dwight Schrute:
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me... for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
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Roy:
Hey, Jimmy, what do you think about the purse girl?
Jim Halpert:
Cute, sure, yeah.
Roy:
Why don't you get on that?
Jim Halpert:
She's not really my type.
Roy:
What are you, gay?
Jim Halpert:
Mmm. I don't think so. No.
Kevin:
Well what is your type?
Jim Halpert:
Moms, primarily. Yep, soccer moms, single moms, NASCAR moms, any type of mom really.
Roy:
That's disgusting.
Kevin:
Stay away from my mom.
Jim Halpert:
Too late, Kev.
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Michael Scott:
Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief. Since, apparently, it doesn't exist, I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert:
Whoa, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott:
No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis:
Afghani.
Michael Scott:
What?
Phyllis:
Afghani.
Michael Scott:
That's a dog.
Pam Beesly:
No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott:
That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute:
Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott:
No, humans with AIDS.
Creed:
Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert:
Guys, the Afghanistanannis.
Michael Scott:
Okay, you know what? No, no. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.